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Simpledreaming
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Name: Dakota
Country: United States
State: Florida
Gender: Male
Interests: Running, Swimming, Hanging out, movies, music, just about anything that will keep me busy and not bored. I always seem to find something fun to do.
Expertise: Over all I feel I know a little about alot of things, but yet there is so much information out there, you will never really know all about alot of something, no matter how much you think you know, you find yourself always thinking of something new and a new idea.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Business
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  PrinceDakota07
MSN: DakotaAndrew@msn.com
Yahoo:  DakotaAndrew
Member Since:
6/29/2003
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| Well, last night I had a hard time falling asleep, I don't know why. I watch fringe and was up and thinking about watching another tv show or movie, since I could not fall asleep. So I laid there and just did a lot of thinking and for me thinking is never good. But I decided on a few things and just made my mind up on a few more. Don't know if it was the best thing to think about or do, but hey, I got to do something.
I am going to go clean the kitchen and the house before I do anything else, I need to get it done. I been putting if off or getting into doing something else and not doing it. But I am sitting outside where I always sit, its nice out and relaxing out there, kinda like my own little world.
After I do all that I am not sure what I am going to do. There is a lot I want to get done today.... BLAH!....
But I think right now I am going to clean the kitchen and take it from there.
I talked to my mom this morning for like 30 minutes, and she was like oh I got to go, I was like why, she was like we been talking for 30 minutes and I died my hair before calling you and need to wash it out, I was like oh lord. I love my mother shes so awesome.
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| Well today was pretty productive in many ways, other ways it was a wasted day...
I sat outside on the back patio all day, it was nice and cool, I can tell fall is finally here. I did not clean like I wanted to, but I was busy working on my site. I got the poems section all up and running, its not how I exactly want it to be, but its a great start for now, I spent 6 hours on it and uploading and fixing and just it was a pain in the ass to get all done, but finally it was done.
I did not think this site would be this much work at all, but it is turning into a lot more work then I thought it was be. But the best news is it is turning out how I want it and almost complete done, as int he pages I have up there right now, there is still a lot more pages I have to work on and get up and running, you know the coming soon spots lol. But I am not worried about them right now, I just want to get done what I have up and all working and running.
But other then that, I went to the store and got some food, I am going to have to go again after the 10th. I got a bottle of Vodka, ummm.
I talked to a few people today, but as the day went ok, I just kinda did a lot of thinking and came to realize a few things. One is I sat here for 6 hours working on my site, becasue I had nothing else to do and no one texted me, called me, or even sent me a message on aim, yahoo, msn, or anything. Even my Facebook status messages were not really even commented by anyone. I came to realize I don't have any friends here. I only talked to really today Jake, who's my ex and best friend and a few other friends that don't live anywhere around here. I don't feel like a loser or anything, I just more feel lost and confused and makes me wonder about a lot of things. Could it be that I been so wrapped up into making my website that I just don't contact them or talk to them? Or is it that I just already fucked things up that I seem to be good at lately, that no one wants to talk to me? I mean I go out or to a club and people talk to me nonstop. I am home and no one talks to me, it don't make since.
But I really kinda don't care anymore to be honest, I guess to a point I know who my friends are and who's just around time to time, and who just don't care. It's sad and makes me home sick, but then again I never give up and I am still new here, so I feel in time, I will be ok, I just have to give it time. I am not bored, I got things to do and work on and some people to talk to so its no big deal. I guess sometimes I just kinda feel lonely and left out and left to wonder why. Even when I know why, I still wonder why.
But tomorrow is a new day, I don't know if I am going out or not. I think I might just stay home and relax and work on my site and other projects to kill time. If someone wants to hang out I think I probably will, I need to get out, but I some how don't really think that is going to happen. I just have to laugh at it sometimes, in site I am in mind, outta site I am so outta mind. I am a living perfect example of it, out at the club, people talk to me and are my so called friends, not out or at home, its Dakota who? HAHA
But life will get better, it always does, just takes time and I know a few things I need to do and work on and things will soon and slowly fall into place. But then again only time will tell.
But for now I am going to watch fringe and go to bed, I would say more about a few people and what I come to realize but I think that will be saved for another time and they might know who they are and what I feel, but then again some people are so oblivious, they probably will never know unless its in black and white. But I will say this much before I go to bed. I am not going to be around anymore for everyone when they have nothing to do or bored or who knows, and have them expect me to be there to talk to or hang out with. I am going to start making myself unavailable, even if I am just sitting at home or doing nothing. Tired of being backup or last minute or the one everyone thinks will be there or will hang out. Kinda makes me in so many ways feel used, time for that to stop.... Starting tomorrow......
Good night and sweet dreams to everyone. <3
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| Well, after yesterday and just the things that happened and how they played out, I come to the conclusion that it is best to probably lower my expectations on a lot of things. This week is the perfect example of why I don't make plans, they never work out or come out how we expect them too.
Last night, I never made it to F.A.C.E, the club kid pageant at rev. But it also made me realize a few things as well. I was going to go with Micheal, but he did not feel like going, and I knew this the night before, so I asked a few other friends if they were going. Fox said he was and he would let me know if I could go with him, well long behold, I had to text him again at 11pm to find out, more the less, he forgot. I was like what the fuck, how could you forget about, and I was just like over it, then he has to nerve to ask me if I was sleeping with anyone, because he likes me. Well, I was honest with him, and told him no. I have not slept with anyone in awhile, kinda been being good.
Ben, was suppose to go up there and hang out with me, but then when i asked him yesterday he said he forgot all about it and made plans to hang out with someone else, I am pretty sure its the boy he likes. But I was like oh my god, we just talked about it a few days ago, and because I did not remind you everyday you forgot. I was kinda upset with him, but then again I don't know why I should be or would be. We only met once, and he never has time or really seems like he wants to hang out with me. So, more the less I should have expected that he was not going unless he has nothing else to do. But then we talked awhile ago about going to Bush Gardens together, maybe a few friends, in the future. But I just am not feeling it, I mean I fear we will make plans and he will forget, or something better will come along. But I don't know, I am just kinda over it and the idea of it right now.
I talked to Jacob yesterday, I had to send him a message, but he was busy watching something. So I waited and later sent him another message, he was not really talking to me at all. I noticed it was 930, so i told him that i did not want him to leave but he had to go. He can't be online past 930pm on school nights, lol. But he was like ok bye. I was like what, he signed off super fast and was on facebook, and was like no goodnight? but he did not reply once again and just signed off facebook. But I think I get it, I took a step of sending him a message, instead of waiting for him to send me one, and I never felt so pushed away, and like no one to him. I was less to say hurt. But then again, I just had some expectations of him, that was more then I should have had I believe.
But Other then that, I just sat around the house, and watched tv with Rich, and did not feel like doing anything. I guess I am just very depressed about a lot of things going on, and I see how I can fix them, but yet I feel powerless and like I can't fix them, because I don't have what I need to fix them.
I did not even really work on my site, or do anything. Just to depressed to even think about doing anything and just felt tired and down. But I am getting over it and made some coffee this morning, I am going to work on my site today, I promise that. I don't plan on going out tonight, even thought I was invited, just not in the mood, plus I need to save my money.
I should lay out int he sun, it would feel good, but its kinda to cloudy for that. I think I a going to just drink my coffee and relax today, and get the stuff don't I been meaning to get done. I need to stop being down and start doing somethings I should be doing, I think it would make me feel better.
Lowering your expectations, sometimes its the only way to be happy, is expecting less, wanting less, and most of all, feeling less. *Sight*
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| I don't know what to think lately, everything seems to be falling apart with a few friends, I don't even know where to start. Jacob, has been acting really weird lately. I mean I don't know how to explain it, but he has. He don't talk to me as much as he used to, we used to talk everyday about everything. I felt like i was started to really know him and becoming a great friend. Last night, I confronted him about how hes been acting weird. He said its not like that and his internet was acting up and that is why he has not been on lately to talk to me like he used to, but I know its more then that, I mean the other night he said he was feeling lazy and did not feel like signing on aim. And he signed on aim yesterday he said to talk to me, but it was weird, I almost felt he read my last blog and was doing it because of that. So we were talking and I could tell something was wrong and he would not tell me, this was not like him, before he used to tell me everything, that happened in school, with ryan, I mean not everything, but pretty much everything and now he was like "I'm in a mood". I was like why whats wrong, and he would not tell me, so me trying to be a friend and prying into it and seeing if I could figure it out, he jumps all over me and tells me to drop it that he don't feel like talking about it, so since he yelled at me and I was feeling like I kind of lost him to begin with lately, I figured it was best to just tell him bye and leave him alone until he feels like talking to me again. I don't know what happened, we used to chat on stickam, on aim, and everything all the time and all of a sudden he like changed and is not himself. He said that has not changed, but I told him he has, and most of the time the person will not know or noticed they have changed, but the people around them will. So I am just kind of trying to figure out what to really think or do right now about him, I mean I can't think of one thing I did to make him act like this. But what can I do, there is nothing I can really do.
Then there is someone else that after Saturday night he kissed me on the side of my face and asked me if I liked him and I said he was cute, and he said good. I was texting him and I wrote about it in the last entry. But after that, I sent him a text telling him I get it and I will leave him alone. Well the next morning I woke up and he replied back and said get what I was drunk last night, I don't know what you mean. I was like you were reading the messages and not replying to them. And you were telling me you were not looking for love and that you were just looking for friends and a good..... So I replied back to it and you never responded. I mean it shows online if it was read and I sent you a message saying if your replying I am not getting them and you read it no response. And then you text me that the next morning, what am I suppose to think or how should I take it. I just don't know. I did not reply to that text, I did not see a point. I figured if he wants to talk to me he will, he can text me, call me, send me a message, it don't matter but its his choice, until then I am just going to let it go.
But there is a good thing that is coming up, something I am excited for and can't wait. Someone I been talking to is moving here December 1st ;) We have somethings in common and its kinda funny he's moving here one year to the date from when I moved here. But hes moving in the area not to far away from me and we been talking through email and he seems like a lot of fun, he seems to have his quiet side and his wild side, so I think we will get along great when he gets here. We are going to hang out maybe go out for coffee, and go to a few clubs together and hang out. In the end I think we will become best friends. So I am kinda really excited and grateful for that. I need some more close friends around here, there is like only two people outside the house I live in I can actually call a close friend. But I don't get to see them that much so, it would be nice to have someone else to hang out with around here that I can trust and have a great time with.
But other then that I just hung out yesterday, did not really feel like doing anything. I guess I was in one of them super lazy moods. I don't know why, but I just did not feel like doing anything. I laid in bed till like 2pm and then I got up, made some coffee, and sat out on the back patio. I ended up calling and talking to lucky my friend that lives far away, was on the phone with him for like at least a hour or two talking. Then I was just chatting with friends and being lazy. Then I called my best friend Micheal to see what he was doing and what he was up too. We talked on the phone about everything for like a hour, maybe longer.
But that was pretty much my day yesterday. Today I am going to clean up the kitchen and my little area and chat with friends and then hopefully go to rev tonight and see FACE. But then again I don't know we will have to see how everything plays out. I really don't count on to much anymore.
But I been kinda weird myself lately. I mean I have not been really interested in going out on a date or hanging out with boys, or even sex. Its not even on my mind. Kinda weird, but I think it is because I got a lot of other things I am working on and to get done and do. So I don't know.. But its kinda nice not to worry about all that, I just need to focus on the friends and people I have around me, the ones that aren't acting weird or being stupid like the two I mentioned earlier.
But time to go start my day, I am going to sit here for a little bit and then start working on the things I need to get today ;)
Changing Seasons....Changing Times.... I said this because, just like the seasons change and time goes on, sometimes you just need to stop and think about things. Like people in my life that seem to be starting to act weird or not the same, just like the seasons, it was fun, but soon, summer will fade and the cold winter will set in, frezing everything from summer, and your left alone.
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| I did not do to much today, I did not work on the site, becasue I needed and wanted a day off to just relax and enjoy myself. But I ended up spending most of the day thinking and reading my web blogs as I transferred some over to this site. It brought back a lot of memories and emotions.
I went for a walk and walked up to subway, got a sub and went to the bank. Then I walked home and just relaxed and thought about things. I been noticing lately some of the people I used to talk to all the time and made my life fun and exciting, even when I was sitting at home, have not been online and when I see them on facebook or something I send them a message and they are like oh I am not on there much anymore, or I am to lazy. It made me feel like wft, here we talked everyday, and were like best friends and now you are to lazy or dont care to talk to me. It made me feel like shit more the less.
Then I walked up to the store, I just needed to go for another walk. I got Tom some water becasue he wanted some, and hes still laid up and cant go anywhere.
I was thinking about how I was talking to a old friend lastnight from when I lived in Kansas City, I was joking and asked him if he missed me and he was like yes I do, I was shocked, its been so long and he does miss me. But then I asked him why and was shocked even more, it was kinda like a walk up call to me and made me look at myself from a new perspective. He said we hung out for 2 years, you were my role model, I was like omg why was I your role model. The replied something along the lines, that I was fun, had alot of friends, a good job, a nice car, and a nice house. He called me the alpha gay. I had no idea what he ment, so he told me I was like the top gay, or gay top (jk). I stopped and was in utter shock. I mean I started remembered everything about them days and how right he was. Made me look at myself and wonder where did I go wrong, what happened to me?
But the worse part is I stopped to think about so many other people, and I begin to relize that there was more then him that looked up to me and that a lot of people did. Its a very scary thought to think that people look up to you and want to be like you, but you look at yourself and know your nothing.
So I poundered about that all day and just still trying to figure things out. I relize I need to get a move on with things in my life and do the things I want to do and stop proscrating about them
I also been just thinking about my ex's and how I messed things up or what I did to ruin them, but i did not just stop at ex's I was thinking about friends as well and came to relize a few things that I should fix. But I dont know how to really fix them yet.
But I am kinda tired of fake people, or people that they like only talk to you or want to hang out if they have nothing else to do, like I'm a last resort or option. I am starting to see and find out more and more of them.
I am not looking for a relationship right now, I mean a few people have my intrest but I dont know what I want and most of all I still need to work on a few things.
But today I did realize one thing, I need to just let somethings go that been bothering me, and cut some of the people out of my life that just dont really care like you think they would or do. I am tired of being in last place to everyone, I need to start focusing on the people that do talk to me and hang out with me. Not the people I would like to hang out with or the peope I want to be friends with but in all reality don't care or even think about me if I am not around, or they got something better to do.
But this is not going to be easy on my part... I am not going to delete their numbers from my phone, if i do I wont know who's texting me. So I think the best thing to do is ingore them like they do me, and blow them off, even if i am just sitting at home. But I dough any of them will text me or talk to me unless i talk to them, so that should be easy and simple.
I guess today was a good day, a day of thinking and realzing things I should have before.
Tomorrow, I am spending the day working on my site, I dont think I am going to answer the phone tomorrow, its going to be a day to myself to finish what I am doing with my site and to think and relax. I probbly will answer if it is someone worth talking to, but not the people that seem to be shady, I dont need them right now....
But I am going to try to go back to bed and relax and get some rest, my mind is going to be working over time tomorrow. BLAH!
Good night internet world and follows ;)
Dakota Andrew
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